High off a day of yoga and friends at Wanderlust, I sat down in the small booth that smelled like patchouli.
"So, to get started..." the tarot card reader pulled from her stack, "this first card will reveal information about your current relationship."
We both watched carefully as she laid the card out on the table, alongside beautiful crystals and stones.
"Well, that's interesting" she said slowly, looking up at me. "It's the death card."
My yoga high came swiftly down. But it made sense. Mike and I had been fighting for the better part of six months to find common ground. We had put our engagement on hold.
We were really struggling.
I half-listened as she went on pulling cards, although I did perk up when she started talking up the guy in my next relationship. She described him as a sexy and powerful man who, from the pictures on the cards, also appeared to carry a trident.
She told me tales of excitement and mutual respect. She sold me on adventure and deep love. She told me this man was waiting for me.
Even so, I left the small booth and walked back to my room in tears. Were we supposed to be done? I wasn't sure how I could ever not be with Mike. I cried my way through Seane Corn's class the next day. I struggled to stay present with people.
I got home from Vermont and we weren't sure what we were doing. I didn't know what to do. We hit lows and wondered if it was over. But we never wanted it to end. We realized that neither of us wanted to give up our connection and eventually, we figured out how to grow together - gaining deeper intimacy in the past year than in the seven years we have been together. More of me sharing and him listening and both of us being ok when things aren't perfect.
Now, a year and a half later, Mike is that trident carrying man. Our relationship book has had many chapters, and that particular chapter of struggle ended. There was a death and a rebirth... of ourselves. It's not to say there won't be more and different stories and struggles. Relationships are in constant flux.
I am seeing so many friends going through tough times in and out of relationships and I can deeply relate. That delicate balance of learning to take life one day at a time while simultaneously wondering if you're going to have to freeze your eggs. That wanting to have it all because it seems like everyone else does. We all struggle. We tune deeply into our hearts and we just as easily can tune them out. The universe is in constant flux. We are always growing and creating new (and hopefully better) versions of ourselves. And growth can feel like shit sometimes. Growth can feel like you really suck at life.
KEEP GOING. This is what is written for you. You don't know the forces at play but this is the experience that you need now, so that it can serve you later. Big hugs and so much love.